Monday, December 5, 2016

The packages

When I got home from work the other day at around 6:30PM with the kids in the car, there were two giant rectangular boxes taller than I am blocking my garage.

I got out of the car and saw a note from my neighbor (who I've never met).  It said that the boxes were delivered and left in front of our garage by accident and could I please put them in her garage because she's pregnant and can't move them.

First of all, I was not thrilled that I had to get out of my car in the dark and the cold with two cranky kids in the car at the end of a long workday because my garage was blocked by her package. Also, these boxes each easily weighed more than I do.  And I have musculoskeletal issues.  So there was no way in hell I could move these boxes and put them in her garage.  All I could do was knock them over (not gently), and shove them over and out of  the way of my own garage, which was in my case, a feat of superhuman effort.

I was so pissed off. I taped the following note to the package:

"Dear Neighbor,

I don’t know exactly what you wanted me to do with these boxes but they were completely blocking my garage with both my kids cranky in the car, and all I could do was push them aside to get into the garage.  I could not even close to physically lift them (they probably weigh twice as much as I do) and I have back problems, so I am sorry I could not do anything with them. I know this wasn’t your fault, but please have your husband move them when he gets home.

Thank you very much."

I thought it was a very polite note, considering how angry I was.

Yeah, maybe it wasn't her fault that the boxes were delivered to the wrong place.  But leaving two 100+ pound boxes blocking your neighbor-who-you've-never-met's garage and hoping that they'll just move them for you seems a little rude.  For all she knows, I could be ninety years old.  Was there no other person who she could have called to move them?  Maintenance, perhaps?  A young strapping male passer by?  That's what I would have done. I once got a lifeguard to open a jar of pickles for me. Just leaving them blocking my garage and expecting me to move them seems like not such a neighborly move.  Which wasn't even physically possible for me.

At the very least, she could have left a note saying that she had tried to take care of the situation and that her husband would be home soon to move them.

When my husband finally got home an hour later, the woman's husband was moving the boxes.  I told my husband what happened and he went out to help.  Then my husband informed me that the packages weren't that heavy (I swear, they were) and I overreacted.

Me: "I couldn't move them at all aside from tipping them over."

Mr. McFizz: "I don't know what you want me to say."

Obviously, I want you to say I'm right!  Sheesh, is a little blind support too much to hope for?  Do all men do that?

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Transcription errors

Every time I think I've seen the funniest transcription error ever, I see something like this:

Patient had watery stools coming out of his eyes.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Suicide Med on sale!

I haven't put Suicide Med on sale in a while because I've been sort of ignoring my earlier books, but I decided to do a little sale this week.  It will probably be the last one ever, so....

Get Suicide Med for less than a dollar!

Mini-blurb:

Southside Medical School is nicknamed “Suicide Med” because for each of the last six years, one student has taken his own life. Is it the heavy workload?  Is the school simply cursed?  Either way, the same question echoes through the minds of every student at Suicide Med: 

Who will be next to die?

Monday, November 28, 2016

Shooter drills

Everywhere I go, there are shooter drills.

We've had one at our hospital.  My kids have had them at school.

I'd like to say that this is a ridiculous overreaction to something that's really rare, but I can't entirely say that. Yes, it's really rare. There have been over 50 school shootings this year, which isn't very much compared with the number of schools in the country, but it's not winning the lottery rare.  It's probably more common than being involved in an airplane crash.

I just find it really depressing that the country has gotten to the point where we have to do this.  When I was a kid, we weren't having shooter drills.  There's obviously a problem, yet we've elected a President who is potentially going to loosen the gun restrictions that most people in this country want.  That's what bugs me--that the vast, vast majority of people in this country are more worried about mass shootings than they are about their second amendment rights being taken away.

I don't understand how the solution to increasing mass shootings is to teach people what to do when it happens and just accept that there's nothing we can do to stop them.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Thank you for your donation

In September of last year, I put out a collection of short stories called 11 out of 10.  I solicited contributions from readers online, and I've been selling the book for $2.99 on Amazon (of which Amazon takes a cut).  I've been donating all profits (and change) to Deworm the World Initiative, a charity that treats parasitic infections in developing countries.

So far, I have sold over 3,000 copies.  I've donated about $6,000 to this charity.

The book has been out a little over a year, and I had figured that after the first year, I'd drop the price to a dollar and just give like a thousand bucks to the charity to cover any income it might make in the future.  But considering I've still been able to donate $200/month from the book, it seems like it'd be better to just keep going!

Anyway, I want to say thank you to everyone who bought a copy or contributed.  It's pretty cool how much money the book managed to raise.

Monday, November 21, 2016

The Fire

Yesterday, I was doing laundry when I heard my older daughter screaming.  Apparently, she put something metal in the microwave and it was spinning around on the tray, shooting up orange flames.

Now I feel she's old enough to use the microwave, but at some point, everyone accidentally puts something metal in the microwave (this was a piece of shiny wrapping that food was wrapped in).  But she wasn't old enough, apparently, to know what to do when it caught on fire.

I've set small fires to the microwave before, but this was quite a dramatic fire.  And I realized that my two kids were in the house and I was the only adult.  So it was up to me to either extinguish this fire or figure out the next step.

Fortunately, the second I turned the microwave off, the fire went out.  Good thing, because I really didn't know what the next step would be for a microwave fire.  Would water make it worse, like for grease fires?  Would a towel have been better?  Clearly there was no time to google it.

Sometimes it's scary being the adult.


Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Any other questions

When I ask a patient, "Any other questions?", usually I mean about the stuff we've just been discussing.  But not infrequently, this is taken as an opening to ask me personal questions.  Such as:

"Where did you go to medical school?"

"Where do you live?"

"Is your hair naturally curly?"

And from yesterday:

"What is your favorite jazz song?"

That was one I literally could not answer.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Two

These were the two saddest comments I heard from my family members about the election:

From my daughter: "Well, at least Clinton won the election we had in our school."

From my mother: "I'm so excited... now we get to see what Melania Trump is wearing for the next four years!" (Not said sarcastically)

Monday, November 7, 2016

Current events

Me: "Who is the President?"

Patient: "Oh!  I know one... oh my gosh, I can just picture him..."

Me: "What does he look like?"

Patient: "Well, he has this strawberry blond hair and it puffs up over his head.  I don't know how it does that!  I think his name is... Target?"

Me: "Um, who is the current President?"

Patient: "Oh!  Yes, well, that's... hmm..."

Me: "It starts with an O."

Patient: "Oprah?"

Actually, I remember at the start of the election, people were saying that Oprah should run for President.  I was discussing this with my husband and telling him how much respect I had for Oprah, because I saw her go on some show where she was like, "What is wrong with people saying I should run for President!  I have no experience with government!  I'm totally unqualified!"

And she has great insight.

Although actually, if she were running for President against either candidate, she'd probably win in a landslide. She's really likable.  Hell, I'd happily vote for her against Trump.  She seems like a smart lady (based on not wanting to run) and she's certainly a feminist.  She seems very even-tempered and compassionate. And unlike Trump, she built her enormous empire from scratch. Actually, I'm liking this idea more and more.

My patient was right!  Oprah for President!

Friday, November 4, 2016

A Halloween Conversation

Patient: "I'm just feeling incredibly depressed about my whole situation."

Me: [thinking] "I really wish I weren't wearing fox ears right now."

A lot of staff members dressed up for Halloween this year and there was a whole theme going.  I don't usually dress up and I didn't this year either, but because everyone else was doing it, I found a really discrete pair of fox ears in my kid's room and I wore them about half the day.  Most patients either didn't notice or they seemed to appreciate my Halloween spirit. I only wore them for follow-ups, not to see new patients.

But there were one or two times when I desperately wished I didn't have them on.  And I was like, do I take them off?  Because that would call more attention to them, right?

What do you think?  Is it inappropriate for a non-pediatric physician to dress up for Halloween?